Americans' Wet Dream

Grandeur of the Seas

Cruises are an American’s wet dream—a haven of mindless convenience for a buck with the added bragging rights of "seeing the world" or being "well-traveled." They’ve made it possible for the whole family to tag along, including tanty. For me, cruises are a relationship travel hack: a way to pop into 2-3 new countries in a week or less to see if I’d want to revisit on a dedicated trip, while also evaluating the quality, depth, longevity, and boundaries of a friendship or romantic interest.

Experts agree: cruises are perfect for testing relationships. They place couples or friends in close quarters with endless activities to navigate together. The blend of relaxation, exploration, and decision-making—choosing excursions or dining options—can reveal compatibility, communication styles, and how well a relationship handles boundaries and compromise. Spoiler alert: Anike and I are still friends after spending seven nights in the Atlantic Ocean and Caribbean Sea together. I’d even say we are officially in this for life.

This cruise was Plan B. Initially, my bishops’ friends Khadijah, Anike, and I was planning a road trip in Utah. Then we saw the prices and were completely disgusted. Four days in the U.S. for a small fortune? No thanks. After my $1,500 splurge on Arizona for four days, I had learned my lesson: I’m cheap and what I am doing must make sense in the grand scheme of things. I like quality travel that gives me amazing food or memorable experiences that I really can’t get anywhere else. Not saying, the national parks in Utah aren’t one of a kind, but at this time in my life there are other memorable and awe inspiring things I can do for less the cost and longer the time. So, we pivoted to a cruise—a budget-friendly way to see as much countries, get maximum relaxation and bond.

By April, we chose the itinerary: Belize City in Belize, Roatán in Honduras, and Cozumel in Mexico. By June, we paid for it. In July, I summoned the courage to request more vacation. I’d already used 25 days of "unlimited time off" and didn’t want to hear the passive-aggressive "didn’t you just come back from holidays?" from my manager. My instincts were right—approval came with a side of "just make sure your deliverables are done." I also had just wrapped up all my other trips so I could put some energy into planning the cruise. We had to select excursions, restaurant reservations, etc. before they were all sold out.

Our intention?

Belize: Ruins tour

Honduras: Boat day

Mexico: Beach club

Reality?

Belize: Snorkeling

Honduras: Snorkeling

Mexico: Cooking class

By cruise week, we were beyond ready to bask like lionesses in the sun, doing nothing but swimming, sleeping, and laughing. I came mentally prepared, knowing the food and non-alcoholic drinks would disappoint. Foodgasms? Nonexistent. I suffered. But this trip confirmed I need to climb the cruise ladder to gourmet cruises—ones with better food and rich single men. For I love cruising. I don’t want to give it up. I just need to find better. Better food.

The journey began with a drive from Jacksonville to Orlando to Tampa. We stopped at Walmart for water and other cruising essentials, including an air freshener for the bathroom. Little did I know, the air freshener I grabbed was just a spray refill—for a spray device we didn’t even own. Classic 🙂. With just enough time to spare before boarding, we hunted for lunch. TikTok led us to Dummy Crabby for a seafood boil. Big mistake. I was so ashamed, for I should have had the sense to suggest something else based on our hunger levels and lack of time to dilly dally over cracking our food open. But instead I let my cravings dictate the show. I hadn’t had seafood boil in months, and I wanted it. Belly won over common sense. The downhill spiral began the moment we arrived to find only four booths, all occupied. TikTok conveniently skipped over the fact that this wasn’t a sit-down, Instagram-cute type of place. Eating in the car was our only option. The boil itself? A disaster. Hunger + Effort = a disappointing shit show. Cracking and peeling to get to the meat felt like manual labor, and after all that effort, I was still hungry—seriously contemplating a Publix sub. Anike hated everything—she was grossed out by the mussels, shrimp heads, crawfish, eyes, eggs — basically the whole boil disgusted her 🤣. The whole experience was a certified L.

We shook off the bad vibes, dropped the rental car at Tampa Airport, and Ubered to the port. The cruise energy was infectious. Us two high school besties, with matching pink nails, were ready. Rookie mistake: not packing swimsuits in our carry-ons. We lounged poolside fully clothed, waiting for our luggage to find its way to our cabins, sipping drinks, and enjoying the vibes of a jazzy Caribbean band full of Jamaicans. In no time, Cupid shuffle came on and people did their thing and YMCA quickly followed.

Exploring the ship, we kicked off our weeklong ping-pong tournament and met the young couple who would share our dining table at dinner. I had the waiters sing "Happy Birthday" to Anike, whose birthday was a few days after the cruise. At dinner, I noticed a woman with "hot sauce in my bag" energy—she brought A1 and pepper sauce bottles. Clearly a cruise veteran knowing the food was not it. We realized the fine dining experience we were going to do for $100+ had a high chance of not being worth. If we were going to suffer with bad food, we weren’t going to pay extra for it. The drinking glasses also tasted funny, according to Anike they were washed with the same sponge that was used to wash out some eggy stuff 🤣.

After dinner we went to the welcome night show where we learnt about the on board entertainment. The director of entertainment was a corny Trump looking man from Florida. But he had the extreme pleasure of working with his wife who was the co-director of entertainment. Eventually we retired to our cabin where Anike laid out her disposable sheets and pillow cases, another TikTok recommendation.

The next day, we both naturally woke up early and decided to go to the gym. What? I was patting myself on the back. We so grown. Unfortunately that was the only time we made it to the gym 😂. Small wins. Before doing the gym thing, I was peer pressured into doing a video for TikTok. It was surprisingly fun. I ran on the outdoor track, and because I was literally running in circles in the middle of the ocean, my Apple Watch was hilariously confused. It proudly reported I had shattered all records, clocking a mile in just 2 minutes. Usain Bolt, who?

Breakfast was pure joy, immediately becoming our favorite meal on the ship. New plan? Eat a heavy breakfast, watermelon for lunch and dinner with our tablemates. We spent the day poolside in our swimsuits, alternating between naps, the hot tub, and soft-serve ice cream. At one point I couldn’t help but marvel at the cruise ship concept. I really wanted to know who invented cruise ships¹? Every where I turned I saw obesity and relentless fun. Americans really have always been about thoughtless, take care of everything for me travel. Give me fries, pizza, hot dogs and ice cream. Give me joy and I promise to come back again.

At entertainment o’ clock, there was a belly flop completion. Who could make the biggest splash, endure the most pain, and dance the best? Man from Florida delivered the pain. His dancing sucked but he made big splash. The biggest guy in the bunch disappointed us with the lack of splash. Gravity was not in his favor. In fact, lots of disappointments from the big guys. Overall, a great laugh.

Anike wanted to attend a diamond-buying seminar—something I’d never consider. But I’m glad she suggested it. This if why you have people to pop your bias, once she suggested it I was like why the hell not. I learned about buying diamonds and of course got swept up in the auction spirit. My hand shot up for a 7-carat tanzanite bracelet. I had to get out of there. My impulse control was not ready. Months later, I discovered I snagged a steal: $395 for a bracelet worth double in Tanzania. Lucky me. Btw, Tanzanite are these dark purple diamonds that are quickly running out. It Is custom to gift a piece of tanzanite for births and weddings. Take note.

That night the dress code was elegant. We dressed up, grabbed drinks at a bar with a stunning ocean view, and tried ramen at the Japanese restaurant. I convinced Anike to share a ramen with me to see if it was any good. It was good enough. Definitely Much better than dinner. I could have eaten that every night. Hearty breakfast, watermelon and ramen, every single day.

1. The first ship explicitly designed for leisure cruising is considered to be the Prinzessin Victoria Luise, launched in 1900 by the German shipping company Hamburg-America Line. It was built specifically for pleasure cruises and is regarded as the world's first purpose-built cruise ship.

The modern concept of cruises as a floating resort began in the 1960s and 1970s, thanks to Ted Arison, the founder of Carnival Cruise Line. He popularized affordable cruises with a focus on fun, entertainment, and exotic destinations, shaping the cruise industry we know today.